Caroline Ellison Price

Getting Back to It

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A few things about this photo:

This is a blanket I have been crocheting for the past several weeks.

I don’t hate crochet or yarn art. It’s just that I associate it with being at my most depressed because the depressed and scattered years were when I was into crochet and knitting the deepest.

So I have conflicted feelings when I pick up projects like this. In the heat of the moment, I tell myself that it’s good to do a project– that it might end up being a gift or something and it’s good to occupy my hands when my mind is down.

But really, crochet ends up being something to hide behind when my mind or body should be tending to other things. Time spent crocheting ends up being time felt as though it was spent treading water, not making forward progress. It’s not as though I make progress through my issues in my mind while I stitch….. I don’t. I tend to feel less depressed when there is less clutter around, less dishes, less laundry. Crochet pretty much guarantees all that comes to a standstill and becomes an excuse and a crutch to not get. stuff. done. Or get my body moving as it so desperately needs to do.

I don’t hate this blanket. It would be an awesome addition to our living room. It will end with its sixth skein though, the skein I am currently working on. I am just not interested in making bedspreads. There is no need to get that immersed in something that just feeds the depression. And I am not going to spend all of 2020 feverishly crocheting in the hopes of giving blankets as Christmas presents. Let’s face it– the last thing most people need are more blankets.

The other thing about this picture: it reminds me I sorely underestimate the usefulness of the Minolta 50mm 1.2. That lens was a pure gold Goodwill find two Christmases ago. It stays on my cameras far less than it ought to. Screw autofocus. There is plenty good reason this lens is ghastly expensive even today from places like KEH.

I have been coveting the 56mm 1.2 Fuji lens I sold I guess in 2017 to fund other lens purchases….probably the 16-55mm 2.8. But the ONLY thing that Fuji lens has that this Minolta lens doesn’t is autofocus. And that’s just laziness. The focus peaking makes focusing easier than would otherwise be. The Minolta will accomplish what I want, and the X-H1 adds image stabilization even the 56mm is without.

I have been craving buttery bokeh this morning. It is looking sunny for the first time in days this morning, and I am itching to get outside even if it is freezing out there. Plus, more often than not in my photography, I crave a more authentic film-like look, less sterile, more organic, and it doesn’t get more authentic than this lens for those purposes.

Note to self: You should definitely try living with just this lens for personal stuff for a good while. It might change your photography.

My workflow has changed, and my turnaround time is longer as a result. I used to guarantee 2 week turnaround for weddings and I will hold to that for current contracts, but for future it will be a 3-week turnaround. It’s because now I run everything through Capture One, Photoshop, and Topaz. It accomplishes the look I am going for and I love it– totally worth it. Who needs full frame, really? But it does require working on two different computers which means transferring photos and that takes time, plus the processing time.

Bygones and Codependence

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Feeling raw these days.

I have these flip flops every few months. Avoid…. avoid…. avoid…. and then dive in and deal head on. It usually results in me blocking or at least unfriending a choice person from the past. Mostly, I just need to refrain from using the chat function with this person on FB these days, since I deleted and blocked his number last go round, a little less than a year ago.

Codependence never ends. That much I know. Once a codependent, forever a codependent.

I am so thankful my children are not rushing headlong into young love. Sooo damaging, at least mine was. It may help that I have boys with other interests.

I know high school love works out for some people. But if I could go back and give a 15-year old Caroline some good advice, it would be: enjoy your friends. That’s all you need from high school.

I went to high school with some damn fine people. And I missed out on a lot of good times with a lot of those people in favor of isolating myself within a single relationship. A single, very unhealthy relationship.

I still feel the need to save him. Nearly 15 years married to someone else, over 21 years broken up, and I still feel the urgent desire to save him. It’s always been the desire to save him from himself. Ridiculous things that no one can save another person from. It isn’t healthy and I know it. He certainly doesn’t ask it of me.

Codependence is ugly like that. The kindest thing to myself is to cut the cord and let bygones and all. I realize this.

But when I try to let bygones, the nightmares come back. The nights of fearing for my life come back. The nights of fearing for his life come back. As long as there is a line of communication, I know he is okay.

And…there it is again:

I keep him close because I am afraid of him. Whatever was once there has long been long, long gone. It always, always comes back to this overwhelming fear. Because I have seen firsthand what he is capable of. And for some bizarre reason, it has always felt safer to keep him talking than out of sight and out of mind.

Yes, I am aware I need therapy. This is where my last therapist really failed me, because she made it apparent that issues like this were off limits to speak intelligently about. So not only do I have the original issues, I have issues about speaking to a therapist about my issues.

*sigh* Maybe more later, maybe not.

Sunday Lounging

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It’s Sunday afternoon, which means it’s time for Jared and me to hide out in my office (the only day of the week I can get Jared to come sit in here because he says the furniture is not comfortable).

Until Jared said he has had enough of sitting in the too-little-for-him chair, so, we moved upstairs. And then we had an argument over whether Jared should lie down on the bed to read his phone or whether we should both sit up (with me in favor of sitting up) because I knew that if he stayed lying down, he’d actually go to sleep which I don’t think is cool while we have a guest in the house.

Porter has piano lessons on Sunday afternoons and we try to keep everyone out of the family room for the hour. It mostly works and we don’t even have to keep the dogs pinned away in another room, thankfully.

It’s time for an overhaul of my office. The desk looks like a disaster has struck, with papers piling up since Christmas. There is still Christmas bagging on the sewing machine. Various camera gear is scattered throughout the room. I need to come up with a system and winter break is as good a time as any to do it.

At least we have clean clothes.

And, I am feeling much, much better. I’ll find out in a couple of weeks but I think the Synthroid adjustment was for the better because my resting heart rate is no longer 105+ bpm….more like the low 70s. Stupid resistance to thyroid hormone body.

I’ve signed up for two apps to go along with my Apple Watch. One is the Pillow app, which tracks my sleep quality. My sleep quality has been atrocious this week, which I am hoping is just the sickness/prednisone combo. Last night my sleep quality was rated 62% for the 7 hours it tracked before I charged the watch.

The other app is Ten Percent Happier, a meditation app. Which may work fine with Air Pods with the Apple Watch, but I don’t have those so I use my phone for the app. Oh well. The app is worth it and maybe the Air Pods will happen some day, though with my tragus earrings the in-ear earbuds are hard to finagle so not sure it’s worth it.

Budget Talk

Aside from the 2 paid-for apps, this has been the month of spending no extraneous money. We did our taxes a month earlier than anticipated. I also went overboard on home decor and supplies in January (as well as us purchasing two smart watches), which put a major crunch on the budget.

I am obsessed with budgets and forecasting. I adore YNAB for this, and use it both for our personal accounts and for my business account. It takes me hours upon hours of work and it’s not exactly how the program is designed to be used, but I know when we can theoretically have all our consumer and car debt paid off. I know when we could theoretically have a full funded 6-month emergency expenses fund if we play our cards right. I also know what year we could theoretically pay off the house if all stay healthy and we have no major catastrophes, which isn’t exactly life. But if it does go well, 2032 is the magic year, just in time for Jared to retire a couple of years later.

Disney and Universal

Our tax refund this year is dedicated to Disney and Universal tickets for early June, which stinks because I REALLY want granite countertops like yesterday. And to paint the deck, which has been on the to-do list since last year. But none of it stinks enough to go into debt just for Disney, which is crazy expensive and I don’t understand how all people don’t make that a once or twice in a lifetime trip. I really don’t see the appeal. Staycations are as great to me as actual vacations for actually recharging me, unless it is to St. Simons. Though I’d love to see London and Paris again. But my kids want to do Disney and Universal so I will do it (once) for them. I will also be prepared to hide out in the hotel room for a good portion of the trip if need be because 3 other grownups are going on the trip, thank God. I hate crowds. I hated them when I was a kid and I hate them even more now. I anticipate going out early and then hiding out in the afternoons and evenings.

I have also become a not-fun person in my middle age. So, there is that. I might have only ever been a low-to-moderately fun person to begin with.

Depression Check In

There are two photography educational opportunities that I have dodging signing up for. It’s ridiculous and there are limited opportunities I know for these sorts of things and I need to break out of my rut. It’s the depression, because I know it’s not the love of photography fading. But as is evidenced by the severe lack of posting photos, there’s not a lot of photography going on right now. It’s time to change that.

Plus, there’s a brand new bar that I can go photograph this week.

Miscellany

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The days are getting longer even though it’s not much warmer out yet, but I can hear my cameras calling my name. Next winter, I need to rent some outsourced studio space or something so that I can keep going year round. I also need to up my game of taking pictures of the kids…. They hate posing but we also don’t buy school photos and they are all changing so much right now.

I have been obsessed with real estate the last few weeks. It’s ridiculous. I said I was done looking at houses and was going to love on my own. But the looking habit is there and every day there are new listings and….and…

And I have driven my one of my best friends, an agent, to distraction, I think, with my constant texts. Thankfully, she is far more level-headed about these things than me.

Last night, she reminded me that the beautiful listing I was looking at was in trailer park city.

Last week, she went with us to look at a for sale by owner that is literally going to collapse someday due to foundation issues, even though it is a beautiful house.

I really do love my house. And it is true…. when I get like this it is because I need to work on my house. Both tables need clearing and my office is a disaster as I write this. And the dogs need baths because they are stinking up the place.

This has also been the week of the plague. Wednesday a bad acne spot appeared on my right cheek and my knees were pretty achy. By Thursday morning, I was having trouble navigating the stairs by myself and I hurt all over and there were spots all over my body and I had a low-grade fever. We still don’t know what it is, but steroids are clearing it up thankfully and I don’t hurt anymore and the spots are going away. I spent Valentine’s Day keeping a distance from everybody but I’m better now. Still skipping church tomorrow just in case, but I really don’t think I’m contagious because no matter how much I tell Oliver I cannot cuddle, he doesn’t really listen very well to that.

We got Porter registered for his 9th grade classes next year. It’s sobering sending a 13-year old to high school but he is so mature for his age– and size-appropriate to the rest of the high school population– so it seems like the natural next step. I am not in the least bit sad about it– I’m excited.

I just can’t wish for my babies to be babies forever. To wish for that to me would be to wish that they were dependent on me forever and the whole point of parenting to me is to raise them to not need me. And when they demonstrate in little ways that they are beginning to navigate the world on their own, that shows Jared and I have done our job, and that makes me genuinely happy, not at all sad. I like to look back on pictures of when they were all little and think back on those times occasionally, but I would never wish to live in them forever because to do that would be to deny my kids their growth and their own lives and adulthoods. And I desperately want them to live into their own grown-up potential. I certainly haven’t been a perfect mom and their childhoods haven’t been picture-perfect. But Jared and I have done our best along with our families and the boys are each good people.

Time to Up My Game

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I don’t talk about it very often anymore because it hasn’t been on my mind in a long time. But when I was pregnant with O I ended up being diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, or POTS.

But then the thyroid crap happened, and I just chalked up the POTS diagnosis to the thyroid crap.

Now, for the past six months or so I have been extremely sedentary. Like going to bed at 9 pm and sleeping till noon the next day sedentary. At first it started out of boredom because the boys were back in school, last August. But now, it’s just habit and I think my circadian rhythm has adjusted to need that much sleep. I tried hard to get up at 7 am this morning and it just. wasn’t. happening. I fell asleep again and the next thing I knew it was 11:45 am.

The cardiologist, with the POTS diagnosis, wanted me walking a minimum of an hour a day. So, I know the answer is more activity. And, probably way less coffee. *sigh*

All of this is to say it is time to up my game and activity level. I know I would feel better. I’ve renewed the fitness center membership so that is no longer an excuse. The pool is even open again so we can all go and I can work out while Jared has the kids in the pool.

The Apple Watch is a blessing and a curse…..no, it is really a blessing. I can keep track of my heart rate and activity levels etc. in a way I couldn’t before. But dang it, it is taking away my excuses to be lazy, too.

Lazy isn’t cool, though. And, I am all about cool.