I am focused on gratitude this morning, particularly since Jared only sprained his wrist this weekend when he fell on the stairs, instead of something happening worse. We went to an orthopedist this morning who confirmed it is just a sprain.
When I focus on gratitude, my mind comes back to the present. The ex is completely out of mind when I focus on gratitude because so much of the memory is traumatic stuff I am not so grateful for. I know there’s a school of thought that says be grateful for even the bad stuff, but I am not there at the moment.
I am sitting on the deck as I write this. We own nearly an acre of land inside our city limits. Nearly an acre! It’s an oasis of peace surrounded by more peace because we have recreational space on one side and quiet neighbors all around us. Despite living near busy roads, All I hear are birds and bugs. If I think about it hard I can hear cars off in the distance but it’s more of a dull very distant roar. No close road noise. I am SOOOO grateful for that.
We have discussed putting our house on the market to pay off debt but Jared reminds me each time the discussion comes up that this is the only house we have lived in our 14 1/2 years of marriage that I am really not afraid to spend time in, either by myself or with others. And, truly, I am not afraid, even during storms. It’s hard to buy that kind of peace and we wouldn’t find it elsewhere easily at all. It has to do both with our surroundings, and with how very solid our house is.
I’m grateful I had the determination to block Steve yesterday. He really is bad news. He has this image that the world owes him something, and it doesn’t. He doesn’t understand self-determination. More to the point, he allows myself to feed my own depression and that’s no good for me.
I’ve decided to hell with it, I am going to use this space as a journal. No one reads anyway, and it can’t hurt to get these thoughts out there.
It does bother me how I can be nice to Steve on text or whatever but then I feel utter despair that I don’t just tell him to face the fact that he is not a good person and that he has brought his whole life on himself. At some point your parents quit being your excuse for making it or not in life. He had a real chance to make something of himself 20 years ago and he blew it. Now he is living with those consequences and hating every moment of it.
He says he is envious of me. But I didn’t sit around. Even if I am not directly using my degree, I did finish and I have proven time and again that I am employable. And I didn’t sit around on the family front, either. I wanted to get married and I found my Jared and we have built our relationship from the beginning on a solid foundation.
And I haven’t just sat around ignoring my mental health for 20 years, either. I’ve worked intensely with therapists and my psychiatrists over the years. I never gave up on finding a medicine regimen that keeps me as stable as possible. I’ve had relapses and weak moments and stressful times that threw me over the edge, sure, and I have dealt with each of those. And some of that weakness has included reaching back through the past to talk to Steve. And I am dealing with that now, too.
So Steve can be envious. I guess I secretly like it that he is. He could have had this life with me very easily and he chose through many series of choices that he didn’t want to work for it.