I’ve been severely pissed for the past 36 hours or so and the primary reason isn’t something I’m willing to get into here.
But, Jared pointed out that there’s something else going on, and he’s not wrong.
Yes, the country was going to hell in a handbasket when Trump got elected and yes I was worried and yes I stopped sleeping and yes it sent me to the loony bin for 72 hours. And yes, I have hoped against hope that the impeachment would see Trump getting kicked out of office.
But, all this hasn’t just been about me worrying about freedom and democracy and the environment. The whole damn thing didn’t start just because Trump is an idiot. It started because he looks a hell of a lot like the guy that raped me when I was 19.
One of the delusions I held when I was sick last time, at election time, was that maybe Trump was Bill’s bio father (Bill was adopted). I had stopped sleeping and it is ludicrous. And while neither of them are good people, and to say I don’t like either of them is an understatement, Bill is smarter than Trump. They cannot be related because of the brains of the gene pool in that Trump family.
But….the red hair. The blue eyes. The stocky build. The affinity for absurdly younger women. All the same. It was similar enough to send chilling thoughts like I used to worry about if Bill became a judge someday, I put myself in all those women’s shoes, those women who have been assaulted by Trump, and all of a sudden BAM it was like Bill was running for president.
The therapist I saw when I got out of Willowbrooke last time said we could call Bill stupid Cheeto hair guy too, like Trump. And she was right about the fact that maybe we were facing a situation where things just wouldn’t get better, that Trump wasn’t going away.
So, I have done what I can to not think about it the connection, the similarities. Most days I don’t even think about Bill anymore, at least consciously. But Jared is not wrong– it has not been easy having someone who is vaguely reminiscent of someone from a relationship that made me feel so shitty about myself, in the news every damn day. It only compounds how shitty Trump has made our country to have the personal reminder of a relationship that made me feel shitty for so long.
I spent most of the past 48 hours in bed in various states of trying to be unconscious. Last night and this morning were particularly bad. And to be completely honest, the only thing that got me out of the bed when I did was the fact that my early Valentine’s Day present from Jared arrived today (a series 5 Apple Watch). I’m only sorry for Jared’s sake that I couldn’t express more excitement, but I think he was just relieved that I got up and took my Synthroid and took a bath. We loaded Oliver up and went on a drive to get out of the house.
It should have been predictable that I would fly off the handle at some point, I suppose. But damn it, it just feels like nothing I do or feel matters, particularly in the situation that pissed me off. And the state of the world is hopeless. And when I get depressed like I’ve been, I don’t get hungry. I don’t take deep breaths. I just toss and turn and try not to exist or think. I go to dark places, like thinking it wouldn’t be so bad if I just stopped taking my Synthroid altogether. I ruin birthdays– I skipped Jared’s birthday dinner with my family in favor of lying in the dark, trying not to exist.
And then Jared intervenes, and reminds me that I matter to him even if it feels like I don’t matter to anyone else, and he reminds me that I’ve been so strong in the face of the constant barrage of reminders of Bill. And I cry, and he reminds me that other people care but that I don’t make it easy to reach out to me. He reminds me that it took years for me to let him in, too.
I do have small plans for tomorrow and with the health tracking perks from the Apple Watch, a renewed interest in taking care of myself and getting moving. Starting small, maybe some light yoga in the morning. And I have a bathroom to finish painting.